Dear guy I like,

(Also guy I liked, past tense, once upon a time),

I’m gonna give you the best gift EVER. In this post, I will tell you the ways you have DESTROYED MY LIFE and also how you have MADE ME FULL OF JOY.  Lastly, I’ll let you in on all the crazy things I say in my head to counteract and/or make fun of the CRAZY GIRL BRAIN you invoke. And you know, I feel some confidence in stating that other women (particularly SHY, slightly AWKWARD women) likely share at least some of these sentiments.

Half of the time I am around you, my mind is racing as I exhibit what can only be explained as OVERWHELMING MUTENESS. Largely, I am thinking, “WHY DO I FEEL MORE LIKE I’M 15 THAN 27?!?” I just want you to know the SUFFERING you inflict on an otherwise fairly stable individual. Because if nothing else, I think this proves conclusively that men can drive women ABSOLUTELY CRAZY.

The boy I like, aka the DESTROYER OF:

  • Sleep: You and your fine self make sleep more difficult. Because if for any reason I think about you in the hour before I have go to sleep, CRAZY PSYCHO GIRL BRAIN kicks into overdrive and wants me to think about the man of the hour FOREVER. Don’t mind me, I’m just getting THREE HOURS OF SLEEP because of my crazy brain. STOP IT, SELF!
  • Appetite: I like you so much that I want to throw up. And no, that’s not an exaggeration. Literally, when I am around you, I want to puke at least 50 percent of the time. Or if not feeling violently ill, I am so agitated that I can’t even BEGIN to eat something.
  • Focus: You don’t even have to speak. Just come STAND next to me or make EYE CONTACT, and I’ll forget every word I ever learned. And every social cue, too. Thanks to you, I am reminded that at any moment I can become  a bumbling mess reminiscent of the middle school me.
  • Rationality: Out the window. Suddenly I hear my CRAZY GIRL BRAIN telling me to sigh every time I see or interact with you. And that I, of course, WANT TO BE WITH YOU FOREVER. I know this is not true. My infatuation has merely kicked into high gear.  But DEAR GOODNESS do I feel compelled to MOON over you. BLECH, SELF, BLECH.

The boy I like, BRINGING ME JOY when:

  • You go out of your way for me. Whether it be helping me, which OH DEAR GOODNESS IS WONDERFUL, or just making sure you talk to me every time you’re in the vicinity, my heart pretty much melts into a GIANT PUDDLE over this.
  • You try really hard to make me laugh. Which, for the record, can be done even with TERRIBLE jokes because you are so darn ENDEARING. Is there anything more adorable than when a guy makes a joke, then checks to see if it makes you laugh?
  • You speak highly and fairly often of your family.  Don’t mind me, I’m just going to SWOON over here. And I’m not even the swooning type!
  • You talk about your faith. And not in a corny, I’m SO VERY SPIRITUAL kind of way. But in an THIS IS MY LIFE kind of way.

The boy I like, aka the INVOKER OF CRAZY AND/OR SILLY THOUGHTS (and sadly, these are ridiculous things that have actually popped into my head at one point or another):

  • “Your general wonderfulness is the most IRRITATING THING EVER. PLEASE STOP.”
  • “Sooooo. Are you ever going to ask me out? No, really. Are you? Just asking for a friend.”
  • “I pretty much want to throw up every time I see you. It’s a good thing. I swear.”
  • “You are so adorable it makes me want to bang my head against a wall.”
  • “I pretty much just love you and want to be around you forever. Yes? Yes.”
  • “I like you so much I think about FLEEING in the opposite direction when I see you because I don’t know how to respond to you with words.”
  • “DO SOMETHING. DO ANYTHING! I swear I will not stare at you in revulsion if you hit on me!”
  • “When you smile at me, I pretty much just want to proclaim my love to you. So if you don’t want that to happen, I suggest you stop. NOW.”
  • “Hey. You! I like you. Do something about it! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD, do something about it!”
  • “Do you think you’d ever want to maybe marry me and let me have your children? Yes?”
  • “So if you’re not dating anyone, we should definitely get married. Oops, I mean go on a date.”

So you, boy I like, are quite possibly the most irritating thing for my SANITY. Therefore, I’ve decided to get over you. Quite frankly, I don’t have time for this. All I need from you is this: Don’t look at me, talk to me or smile in my direction for the next year, and we should be good. Yes? Yes.

Disclaimer: It should be noted that the author, i.e. me, is fully aware of her craziness. Photo courtesy of L.E. Bauer.

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