I am not you. GOODNESS, I am not you. And I am SICK TO DEATH of the majority of people around me, both inside and outside the Christian community, assuming I should be more like you. I am not and never will be. SO THERE (imagine childish foot-stamping here).
And you know what, Christian nice girl, I am so VERY TIRED of feeling less-than when it comes to my walk with God because I don’t fit into your personality mold. I ABSOLUTELY DON’T fit the stereotype portrayed both within churches and in Christian literature. I wonder at times if someone rolled up the ideas of Southern hospitality into this weird cookie-cutter personality model for Christian women that I WILL NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS fit into.
All you dear Christian woman who are sweet, calm, gentle and full of grace, please don’t get me wrong. I think you are AMAZING and an integral part of the church. You counteract loud-mouths like myself and offer a quiet and gentle touch that I am, in all my awkwardness, incapable of offering. You have a way of handling situations that is INSPIRING. But I can’t keep trying to BE YOU because I AM NOT YOU. I am ME. And I’m so bone-weary of receiving the message from Christians (and the outside world) — whether consciously or subconsciously — that I am somehow less in my walk with God because I can’t fit that mold. Frankly, I would think you all would be tired of me trying to fit into that mold because it’s just AWKWARD and EMBARRASSING for all of us when I fail.
So I’m not going to do it anymore. I refuse to try to be anything other than who God created me to be. Of course, that doesn’t mean my personality is PERFECTION SQUARED. Just like your personality, mine needs to be tempered and filtered by the Holy Spirit. I’ve got weaknesses (which, ironically, are also my strengths). So I won’t hide from correction or be unaware of the areas I need to improve (by God’s strength, not my own). But let’s be real and say if the SOVEREIGN GOD OF THE UNIVERSE wanted me to be less passionate, quieter or more like the stereotype so often presented as what a true Christian woman looks like, then HE WOULD HAVE MADE ME SO. (Notice the shouting? I am NOT A QUIET woman. I PROJECT!)
I am not you, Christian nice girl, nor should I be. You are not me, nor should you be. So let’s just be friends and stop trying to change fundamental parts of our personality to fit what we think we’re supposed to be. I think all of us Christian women can agree that we need the freedom to be who God made us to be. Yes? Yes.
So you, Christian nice girl, embrace your Christian-nice-girl-ness and please temper my GENERAL CRAZINESS. And I’ll be me in all my glorious me-ness: sticking my foot in my mouth at times, bursting into tears at the drop of a hat, singing or humming 90 percent of the day, laughing BOISTEROUSLY and EASILY while still fighting depression, running into walls because I have LESS THAN NO depth perception, brimming internally (and externally, at times) with love and frustration, swearing at times when I believe it’s merited, thinking WAY too much about almost everything, utilizing an intuition that is both frightening and awesome, and all-around being the B. Weaver that God created me to be.
After years of feeling less than, being envious of you and hating the parts of my personality that fall outside of who I’ve been told I am supposed to be, I think it’s DANG WELL ABOUT time that I allow myself to be the woman God created me to be.
And you know what, I bet it’s time for you to do so, too.