Dear circumstances,

Oh circumstances. You’re something else, aren’t ya? You are the irritating factor that affects all of life (although FINNEEEE, we can control our reactions and be joyful at all times and such). But quite frankly, I’ve got a bone to pick with you. Namely, this last OH DEAR GOODNESS LONG MONTH of March.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know God is SOVEREIGN and all that. But stillllllll. Aren’t things supposed to be clearer as I get older? I SWEAR I read that in a book once upon a time. If that’s the case, I must be doing this thing called life wrong, because things are a whole lot MORE hazy for me than they were two years ago. I would be overjoyed to be in “CONFUSED” circumstances now, rather than “WHAT THE FRICK IS HAPPENING EVERY PLAN I HAVE EVER MADE IS BEING DESTROYED?!” (That lack of punctuation is purposeful; I’m hyperventilating into a paper bag here.)

Ahhhh, the young and naive early and mid-twenties (that’s right, I’m exempting myself from mid-20s). Then, I had a PLAN–even if it was a blissfully ignorant one. This plan had stages and satisfaction and security and a list that I could check off. Then you stupid CIRCUMSTANCES and LIFE LESSONS had to come along and WRECK IT ALL. I think I speak for us all when I say: Why ya gotta be like that?

Now I’m in this stupid limbo period that circumstances are far too happy to offer us in the journey of life. Surrrreeeee. This will all end well. But that could just mean it ends in HOLINESS and GROWTH and DISCIPLINE. And I’ll be darned if I’m not just a little bit tired of all these learning experiences and holiness. WHEN WILL I BE DONE?!? NO. MORE. LEARNING EXPERIENCES.

And circumstances, before you butt in with your rational, “but think of how well things have turned out before” nonsense, just let me WALLOW for a moment here. MY LIFE IS IMPLODING. What? Wallowing isn’t one of the fruits of the Spirit? BLARRGHHHH.

I get it. Really, I do. My rational self reminds me that life as a Christian isn’t meant to be easy or simple or un-messy. It means sometimes making decisions that don’t make complete sense–maybe not ever. It means, at times, obeying God and doing that ONE THING that you REALLY DIDN’T WANT to do. It means submission and obedience and trust and faith.

But THAT’S JUST WORDS. Choosing to do that may just be one of the hardest things EVER. I mean, REALLY. It’s much easier to spiral into CRAZY TOWN and WALLOWING and UTTER DESPAIRING FOR ALL TIMES.

But then, when I’m in the midst of above WALLOW MODE, circumstances (and this oh-so-sovereign God) just HAVE to present a silver lining, or a hug from a loved one, or unexpected laughter or a new friend. Or maybe even just a really good cup of coffee or an animal so cute I burst into TEARS OF JOY. And then I’m FORCED back to sanity, to following God and allowing His Spirit to help me conquer these flashes of OVERWHELMING emotions. Sighhhhh. I have to be all GROWN-UP and VICTORIOUS. Boooorrrinnggg.

But fine. Circumstances, in those moments, I SUPPOSE I’m thankful that you force me to my knees. Because those STUPIDLY ANNOYING moments where I realize I have no plan, no clue and no hope except reliance on the great “I AM” tend to be incredibly sweet and precious to an almost-irritating degree, even though I wish I could FLEE THEM and just live in a bubble of perfection and rainbows.

But dang it if those moments aren’t also the HARDEST and MOST FRUSTRATING times of my life. Within them, it seems EVERY MOMENT is spent reminding myself of who God is so that I don’t fall into PANIC-CRAZY-PERSON-MODE. That’s DIFFICULT (hence, the life lesson/discipline thing).

So this time, circumstances–you irritating things, you–I’ll let your irritating-ness slide. I’ll choose JOY and LAUGHTER and FAITH. But don’t think I don’t have my eye on you.

And furthermore, know that while I may not be able to wallow, I wholeheartedly think SCREAMING into a pillow once in a while for a few seconds is acceptable.

That being said, circumstances, I recommend you get some earplugs. After all, I was the youngest of five children.

2 thoughts on “Dear circumstances,

  1. Mark Hames says:

    We miss you already! One of the people who used to live in Charlotte and who I miss a lot is a former associate minister at First Presbyterian Church. Her name is Katie Crowe. She is probably the only person I know that I have never seen without a smile on her face. One day I asked her why she is always happy. She replied, “Mark, I’m not always happy, but there is no reason I can’t always be joyful.” Katie is now senior minister at Trinity Presbyterian in Durham, I hope you are doing well. No matter what might come your way, I know you are always joyful.

    best, Mark


  2. bweaver87 says:

    Thanks, Mark! I already miss you all, too. It was a hard thing to leave so many wonderful people. I am just so blessed to have met and worked with you all. Your kind words mean a lot to me, and I will continue to pursue God and be joyful. Know that I am thinking of you and everyone at The Observer often!


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